Putting a Safety Rail Around Our Zoo’s Tiger Pit Would Be a Slap In the Face to All the People Who Previously Fell Into the Pit and Got Mauled – McSweeney’s Internet Tendency

“Elizabeth Warren’s plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to all those who struggled to pay off their loans.” — Philip Klein, Washington Examiner, 4/22/19

Recently, we’ve all seen a rise in demands for a safety guardrail in front of the tiger pit at the local zoo. It’s yet another example of the left wing’s obsession with free stuff, safety, and the general well-being of others. This safety rail is a ridiculous, costly pander that will be a slap in the face to those who have previously fallen into the pit and been thrashed around like rag dolls by the pit’s massive jungle cats.

Zoo visitors are infatuated with the idea of a zoo experience where you don’t accidentally tumble 30 feet into an enclosure teeming with territorial apex predators. They want nothing more than to walk around the zoo without getting dragged away by a 300-pound tiger. It’s completely pathetic. These snowflakes will stop at nothing to create a safe zoo experience for the general public. I, on the other hand, believe that everyone, including small children, should continue plunging into the gaping maws of the zoo’s tiger population.

Right now, more than a third of the zoo’s visitors have accidentally fallen into the tiger pit, and studies have shown that falling into a tiger pit leads to broken bones, maulings, and often, in the case of this particular zoo, death. Unlike other types of injuries that are spread across the whole population, injuries stemming from falling into a tiger pit are concentrated mostly among young zoo attendees. I say we let those young people fight for themselves if they happen to plummet into the tiger enclosure. Any sort of safety rail or caution sign will mean the people who previously fell into the tiger pit did so in vain.

A small number of folks who unwittingly dropped into the zoo’s tiger den managed to claw their way out. It would be a huge insult to those people if we prevented future tumbles into the tiger pit. If there’s one thing a person who escaped a near-death experience involving tigers hates, it’s a safety rail preventing future people from experiencing the same nightmare. If it were up to me, I’d let all the animals of the zoo roam completely free, doing what they please with the visitors of the zoo.

Things should not get better just because they could get better. Suffering must be eternal, passed on from generation to generation. A safer experience at the zoo should not be possible, despite the fact that it’s totally possible. We have no option but to continue keeping the zoo’s tiger pit free of any safety mechanisms. The tiger pit must continue being a terrible hazard despite having an offensively simple solution to its enormous body count.